Bottom of the pack

Attempts to control the narrative and losing my wisdom

I recently experienced the time honoured tradition of ‘ageing’ and let me tell you, it really is all it’s cracked up to be. I am loving being firmly in my late 20s. My grey hairs are coming in at a rate of knots and I think they make me look distinguished. I like that it’s called having salt and pepper hair because I love savoury foods and think that sounds delicious. I have never dyed my hair and I have no intention to, unless it is to give me more salt and pepper (yes please!).

I think I’ve never had any of those worries about getting older because I’m the youngest of four and will always feel young by those measures. I’m 28? Yeah, well there’s plenty people older than me. Some people are even reaching the heady heights of like 73 or 87. Being 28 is rookie numbers.

Each birthday that goes past I learn something new about myself – last birthday I learnt that I actually look criminally good in a party hat – and this year is no different! The year is truly all about realising things, always and forever.

A portrait of the artist looking criminally good.

I got 3 weeks into being 28 before the dentist had to remove one of my wisdom teeth¹ because I was becoming too wise (my words, not his). I am now 25% dumber and all the better for it. It’s fun to intellectualise but it’s even more fun to dumber-alise. I stink therefore I ham.

Having an infected wisdom tooth that has to get surprise removed without any warning really feels like karma for all the times I’ve declined meetings at work because they’re at 2:30 and I ‘have a dentist appointment’. Here I am again, writing another post about teeth. I would rank toothache as one of the worst pains you can have because you never escape it. Wherever you go, there your teeth are.

A portrait of the artist at Tooth Hurty.

I really am realising things this year though. What I’ve come face to face with post wisdom tooth removal is a constant yearning for control which sits barely concealed under the surface, ready to push through my swollen gums at a moment’s notice. I like to imagine myself as that totally chill, cool guy who goes with the flow in everything but in actuality I’m locked onto a track of constantly needing control. And not in the gross machismo way of needing to exert my control over people, but more so in the way that I feel I’m constantly one surprise away from totally spinning out².

Side note: Do you think when that guy came up with the phrase ‘Absolute power corrupts absolutely’ he felt so pleased with himself that he fully transcended and never came back down to earth? I think if I’d come up with that phrase it’d feel akin to ‘coming up’³. The closest I’ve ever come to that feeling is when I came up with the phrase ‘I stink therefore I ham’.

It feels fruitless for me, a comedian, to state that I had an unstable upbringing with enough chaos to last a lifetime – SNOOZEFEST ALERT!! – and that’s likely why I find not having control over things stressful. But I do feel an overwhelming sense of unease when I sense a situation is beyond my control, which feels eerily similar to old feelings of not being able to control the dissolution of the family unit. Okay maybe Freud was onto something…

A portrait of the artist as a young ghoul.

It’s mostly in social situations really, although I do be cracking that whip on keeping the house in order⁴. I feel like I’m constantly casing the joint (social situation) for my standing in it all. In any given scenario, I’m running analytics to ask if I have any control in the conversation or if it’s running rudderless and needs steering. I’ll happily step up to the post if required, sure. I’ve got a few conversations starters in my back pocket: isn’t this weather so good/bad, what have you got in your mouth there is it a tooth, do you come here often etc..

More commonly, though, I sense a more confident presence in the midst. I feel so willing and ready to instantly accept my position at the bottom of the conversational pack. My gaydar skills are lacking, but my ability to sniff out the most confident person in a group scenario is unparalleled. A tip: it’s usually the person doing all the talking.

It is my natural inclination in such times to mentally extricate myself and let the conversation wash over me, safe in the knowledge that someone else is handling it. And in that way I feel I have my own, private control over the situation. I’m controlling the situation by remaining selectively mute and protecting myself from saying anything I’d deem ‘weird’⁵. I am much softer than I would like to imagine myself.

And while we’re on the topic, I don’t love making eye contact. Why do you want to look at my eyes? What are you, a pervert? What my eyes are looking at is my own business. You need to earn the right to see the world through my eyes.

I think this is why I’m so drawn to performing. When I’ve got the mic I (usually) feel like I have the control of the room. People (usually) can’t interrupt me and (usually) have to laugh at whatever silly little thing I have to say.

But it’s the yearning for control that is my undoing. Let me say this, to you, now: I am willing to learn how to let go. But only if I get to decide when and how and for what length of time.

New month and indeed new playlist for all you greedy little pigs below. Really into Marie Davidson this month, particularly that weird flat cowbell in Fun Times. Anyone else got any songs with a weird flat cowbell in? Please let me know. Really scratches an itch in my ear.

See you in the next one,

Imogen xx

1. Crazy story about the tooth getting removed actually. Went in asking for antibiotics for a tooth infection and he just straight up took the whole tooth out then and there. Even shouted ‘God I’m good!’ when he got the tooth out, which makes me think he was getting something more personal and sinister out of the whole debacle. Methinks his generosity conceals something dirtier and meaner…

2. Recently had the experience of spinning around very fast on a ‘Waltzer’ at Dreamland in Margate. Would not recommend. I don’t think humans are meant to experience G-Force at that level. Only G-Strings for me, thanks.

3. I have never taken drugs, your honour…

4. Ellie: you need to take your laundry upstairs.

5. Doesn’t seem to stop me telling my coworkers that I want to run up the stairs at work on all fours, though.